The Albert Lucas Lightbulb Jokes

These were written late one night in the Renegade tent at the 1988 IJA convention in Denver after one of Albert's many unpleasant social fox paws. Soon after they were printed in Two Ply Press in a mildly edited form. They are included here for historical value and the amusement of about a dozen very special people.

How many Albert Lucas' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, he can do ten rings in the dark.

1, he just holds the bulb up and the world revolves around him.

2, one to screw in the bulb, and one to rent the limo.
... and one to reassure him he's doing it better than Anthony.
... and one to teach it to Benji .
... and one to design/commission the trophy .
... and one to knock it out of Owen's hands.
... and one to bridge the gap between art and sport .
... and one to donate the old bulb to the IJA .
... and one to convince him the old one's not burned out.
... and one to name it after Albert. (how about "Albert Twists"?)
... and one to hand out tee shirts to the spectators .
... and one to choose the right outfit for the occasion .
... and one to keep telling him his wife's not that ugly.
... and one to get Finnigan to certify it.
... and one to visualize Anthony doing it naked .
... and one to videotape the event.

14, at least that's what he told me.
                                    says.
                                    believes.

3, one to screw in the bulb and 2 to doctor the photo and phone Guinness.

3, one to screw in the bulb and 2 to hold up each pant leg so you can see the Puma label.

Just 1, but Mendelsohn better not put a club in front of it.

2, 1 to screw it in and 1 to try it again for 45 minutes because it almost worked.

None, I don't think he's ever screwed anything.

Too damn many!

None, Puma doesn't make lightbulbs.

4, one to screw in the bulb and 3 to wear the matching outfits.

2, 1 to screw in the real bulb and 1 to replace it with a 1/3 scale miniature.

1, but Owen can do it faster.

1, but it's just a flash.

1, but it takes 30 minutes and we all have to watch.

1 too many.

None, they were "broken in transit".

None, he'll just do his torch routine.

Who cares, but isn't it fun to kick out the ladder.

Finnigan section (for the owner of Juggle Bug)

1, but there better be another nearby because they break easy.

2, 1 to screw in the bulb and 1 to ...
... merchandise it.
... charge anyone else who learns it $3.
... auction off the clothes.
... protest the event because the judges are racist bastards.

1, but he gets 3 tries, it's in the contract.

Just one, but it's best to start with scarves.

And some tangential thoughts from that day that got scribbled onto the same pages:

Do you have Prince Albert in a can? No, his ego won't fit.

Tony Palomino = the little Bakalor that could.

... and Poof! Albert disappears.